Duran Duran meet Big Brother! Fan fiction from Leccie, Kags, Mrs T and CJ
To a chorus of jeers and cheers Barbarella emerges from the Ordinary World Studios and makes her way through the crowds to the flood lit outdoor stage. The DD house looms large and ominous in the background; A Patrick Nagel projection illuminating the facade.
She raises her microphone to her Cherry Ice cream glossed lips and shouts:
"Have you ever heard of Duran Duran?"
The crowd erupts into a notorious chorus of "Duran Duran?", becoming more and more frenzied as the projected imagery morphs to show the faces of the fab five, one after the other: Simon. John. Nick. Andy. Roger.
Slowly Barbarella turns and saunters over to the metal steps that lead up to the front door of the house, swaying her hips with every step as she begins to climb.
She reaches the top and slowly turns back towards the screaming crowd. The camera zooms in.
"How about a tour of the DD house then?"
The camera following, she disappears through the door as the throng begins to chant: "Show the fookin' house Barb! Show the fookin' house Barb!"
She makes her way down the stairs towards the door to the main living area. Pushing open the door, the world gets a first look at the sparkling interior of the DD house. Working her way around the fab five's home for the next six weeks, the hidden cameras follow her as she describes every room.
The kitchen, of course, was ultra chrome, latex and steel. With John's marigolds forming the majority of the proportion of the latex element. Six bottles of Stolichnaya vodka lay in wait on the stainless steel worktop, next to twelve bottles of the finest red wines. (The wine glasses didn't have pub measures printed on them.) The brushed chrome refrigerator is cram packed with bottles of "broon" ale and pomegranate juice. A tea caddy was set next to the shiny silver kettle, full of a variety of 'erb teas.
The living area contained two huge purple, fluffy sofas, scattered with velvet cushions. An assortment of stress relief office gadgets rest on the sequinned Mosaic coffee table. In the middle of which is a stainless steel fruit bowl piled high with shoe sized bananas.
In the corner of the living room a huge door, complete with small porthole, leads to a narrow corridor. At the end of which is a recording studio, fully equipped with pens, pencils, an apple mac laptop, an "Oh! Karina" [STAT] and a "Har! Monica" [STAT], along with the bands regular instruments and equipment. A pair of Hard Rock Cafe glittery drumsticks lay in wait for Roger near his kit.
Off to the left of the studio is a cream coloured door with a small window in the middle. The sign above it reads "Time out". On peering through the window of the door, the room is padded and totally empty. Back out through the living room and into the garden (which contains the Ripple River Yellow hot tub, the Curled chicken coop and the vegetable patch) to the right is a huge wall of mirrored glass. Behind this is the DD bathroom. Five sinks, five showers, five towels arranged on five rails but only one toilet in a frosted glass cubicle. Above each sink is a narrow glass shelf and a single light.
On the far wall is a purple glittery door, with a flashing "Rio" eye shaped panel next to it. On pressing the eye button, the door opens to reveal a padded red velvet room with one Math-mos wall. A purple velvet Chaise Longue resides in the middle of the room. This is where the voice of DD (Milo O Shea)will speak to the band.
On the opposite wall of the bathroom, another door leads to the "temple" - a huge room containing individual sleeping spaces.
The first space has huge purple velvet drapes (which can be tied back with feathered and fringed gold cords), surrounding a polished chrome deluxe-sized coffin. The coffin lid has a plaque engraved with the words "The Controller" and opens to reveal golden Thai silk pillows and a purple velvet eiderdown embossed with large roses.
A little further down is a huge, round, super-king sized bed, adorned with Black satin sheets and large red lip-shaped cushions. The main pillow is shaped like a pair of enormous breasts with fluffy pom-pom nipples. At the end of the bed is a huge draw full of bedroom toys. A space fit for a proper Charley!
On the opposite side of the room, a large, solid oak four poster bed is dressed with white Egyptian cotton sheets and surrounded by white voile curtains. Next to the bed the floor has a "parking space" marked out with the words "JT's shoes" written inside. An autoclave sits at the other side of the bed with a sign that reads "For leather trousers only".
Next to this space are bunk beds, complete with Wallace and Grommit duvet covers and pillows. Each bed has a shelf attached to the side for cheese and crackers. The bottom bunk has a headboard made of Velcro with the words "When the noisy little fooker goes off the wall.... stick him back here" scrawled above it. At the end of this bed is a stuffed Shaun the sheep, secured to the foot board and complete with rotating head, glowing eyes and randomly played pre-recorded messages for maximum paranoia after Broon Ale indulgence. The top bunk has a pan rack attached to the ceiling above it (complete with hanging pots and pans) that can be pulled down. A drum stick holder clips onto the side.
The bedroom ceiling has a large glitter ball in the center. In the back corner of the room is a wooden square floor, a microphone stand and a variety of hats and percussion instruments for those midnight moments of inspiration. The walls are covered from floor to ceiling with mirror tiles, behind which are the hidden cameras.
After the tour of the DD house, Barbarella climbs the staircase back to the outside world. The sliding doors open and she stands before the crowd. She holds one hand high in the air, to signal the crowd to be still and quiet. "Sssshhhhhh".....
The crowd noise becomes a dull roar. The lights go down and the bass line begins, the strobe lights begin to flash and Milo O Shea's face appears on the big screen. He laughs wildly. A space craft flies overhead. Barbarella speaks once more : "Are you ready to meet the DD house mates?" The crowd erupts into maDDness and the spacecraft flies overhead again, beeping and flashing.
The security gates open and a stolen "Broon Ale" truck screeches in. The driver falls out of the door and swaggers towards the crowd. Behind the over sized suit and dark glasses is Andy Taylor. The crowd goes wild. Andy, dazed and confused, looks around mouthing F-words and grinning. Barbarella speaks again:
"Make some noise people! It's Andy!". He works the crowd as he walks along the flood lit path towards the stairs and the front door. He stops at the top of the stairs with his guitar in one hand and a bottle of Broon Ale in the other. He waves to the crowd and disappears through the sliding doors.
Barbarella asks : "Is that a sewing machine I can hear?"
As the camera pans around to the security gates once more... a vespa put-puts in, it's rider in a sleeveless shirt, tongue hanging out and a pair of drumsticks in his back pocket.
"Here he is folks! Roger "the tongue" Taylor!". Roger parks his vespa and dismounts. He removes his helmet and turns to face the camera, taking his drumsticks in his hand, holds them aloft and sticks his tongue out at the crowd. He too works the crowd as he makes his way to the front door.
Before he manages to climb the stairs, the proceedings are interrupted by Simon arriving on a Sand surfer. The wind was a little stronger than he had thought, thus making the anticipated arrival of his divine presence a little premature! Roger's entry to the house was completely overshadowed by this event and he turned and stomped through the front door, scowling.
Simon dismounted the sand surfer and carefully wheeled it over to the side of the security gate, asking the guard nicely if he could park it for him. The guard looked the singer up and down, noting, with some distress, that he was wearing a dayglo pink surfer's wet suit and a pair of black espadrilles. Looking bemused, the guard took hold of the sand surfer and started to walk away with it to the back of the studio building. Simon did not "work" the crowd as he made his way to the DD front door.... he SNOGGED everyone of them, whilst asking "Can I find a little fishy in here to introduce me?".
Barbarella stood forward and firmly took hold of the wayward singers arm.... pulling him towards the steps.... "Hold onto your knickers ladies.... he is simply Simon Le Bon!"... shoving Simon really quite violently, he stumbled up the steps to the front door. He stopped and did a Reflex twirl before disappearing through the doors to join his house mates.
A fleet of Limos pull in through the gates.... A makeup artist and hairdresser get out of the first car.... a smartly dressed woman who is talking on a mobile phone get out of the second car and runs to the third limo.... opening the back door. A large pair of shoes appear, followed by some extremely dodgy leather trousers that seem to go on forever. The women in the crowd go wild as the long legs are followed by the rest of John Taylor. His makeup artist and hairdresser quickly perform the necessary touch-ups.
"People! It's the Bass God himself! John Taylor is about to be in the building!!!!"
The crowd swoon and start their chant: "Get in the fookin' house John!"
JT effortlessly swaggers towards the steps to the front door. The crowd change their chant : "Climb the fookin steps John!".
With a slow smile... JT climbs the steps and turns around at the door, gives a couple of bass humps and slides in through the door.
The spaceship returns..... playing the tune from Close Encounters as it dives and swoops over the crowd.... the side door is now open... and a figure hangs out of it... waving and grinning. Doing loop the loops, whilst still playing that bloody irritating tune, He finally hovers near the security gate and winks at Barbarella.
"Come on guys! Give it up for the Controller! Its Nick Rhodes!!!" shouts Barbarella at the crowd as the spaceship soars up into the air.... flashing its landing lights and disappearing over the house wall.... finally coming to land on half of the vegetable patch in the garden. Nick emerges from the door and strolls over to the patio doors.... pressing his face against the glass and pulling faces at this other band mates.
The house mates are in the kitchen..... the stoli/red wine/pomegranate juice/Broon Ale is going down a treat. Roger is sulking on a bar stool at the kitchen counter, whilst Simon looks smug and swigs straight from the second stoli bottle. JT is trying to interest Andy in the 'erb tea varieties he has found in the caddy. Andy nods in all the right places and necks 3 bottles of Broon Ale to relieve the boredom. Nick pops the cork on a bottle of red... pours a glass... marks the level on the bottle with his eyeliner and starts swirling and sniffing the wine in his glass...
Andy: "WILL YOU JUST FUCKING DRINK THAT!??????!!!!! STOP BEING A PONCE! NECK THE BASTARD!"
Barbarella's' voice suddenly comes onto the speaker system: " DD house mates, you are live on Ordinary world, Please do not swear!"
At this point Andy looks over towards Simon and grins : "Don't Fucking swear Charley! She'll have your other bollock man!"
The house mates try to stifle their laughter.... as Barb can be heard to sigh heavily over the speakers.
"Your main task for the next six weeks house mates, is to write, record and release your next album before leaving the DD house. Enjoy guys!"
*Click*
The speaker system clicks off and the house mates look at one another.... what were they going to do? They had never EVER produced anything that quickly before! They needed at least 3 years.... plus delays!
The night progressed, with the house mates getting slowly and hysterically shit faced. One by one they headed towards the bedroom.
Nick loved his Coffin... was ecstatic that his sheets matched his silky pyjamas and jumped straight in, slamming the lid shut.
Simon staggered over to his big round bed..... smiled and fell face first onto his pillow.... shaking his head from side to side in between the large pair of red breasts.
John loved his four poster... but was slightly irritated when he couldn't find the opening to the voiles... and dragged Simon and Nick out of their beds to help him.... All was finally sorted... so he parked his big shoes..... Put his leathers in the Autoclave and hit the button for the express cycle.
Roger and Andy stood in silence as they eyed their bunk beds. Roger was still sulking from Simon's premature arrival and sighed and folded his arms!
Andy looked at his Broon Ale bottle and then back towards the bunk bed and the freaky looking sheep sat at the end.
" Fuck it man... I'm too pissed to work it out" he said and promptly dived onto the bottom bunk.... casting one last wary glance at "Shaun" and then passing out.
Roger sighed and wearily climbed the ladder to his bunk..... got under the covers.... grabbed the drumsticks from the holder and started to thrash out Careless memories on the pots and pans.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP ROG!" shouted the other four in unison.
Roger threw his sticks down and pulled the Wallace and Grommit duvet up over his head....
The lights were switched off and all was quiet.... apart from Milo O Shea's soft, evil laughter in the background.
The house mates were asleep.